Archive for January, 2010

First Impression Fail

Saturday, January 30th, 2010

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting the acquaintance of  pretty twenty-four year old girl from Park City.  I was quite taken with her, and I’m positive that she wasn’t taken with me.  Why do you ask?  Because she met me on the one night that I should never meet anyone new.  That night is bad meal night.

What is bad meal night?  It’s a diet mandated night in which my brother and I cram unholy amounts of food into our gullets, then muddle around our house in a food induced stupor.  No one should attempt to communicate with us on bad meal night because we can’t (by that I mean won’t) return the communication.  That is bad meal night, now back to the blond.

They say you only get one chance to make a first impression, and I made mine by cramming four slices of pizza, half an order of “Italian” cheese bread, half a bag of Doritos, a liter and a half of soda, chocolate bundt cake and a chocolate shake into my face hole.  Fail?  Oh no my friend, epic fail.

-Yom

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Don’t mess with go-karts

Friday, January 29th, 2010

When I was about 13 years old, my parent’s bought me a little go-kart. It was pretty awesome at the time, it went a blazing 20mph, and kinda sorta sat two people. After terrorizing and chasing the neighbor’s cats for awhile, I realized they were a bit more agile than I was and faster. This doesn’t bode well with a mischievous teenager like myself. Time to start modifying the go-kart.

Since I was on a limited budget at the time, I stuck to the basics, hotter spark plug, synthetic oil, removing the restrictive exhaust pipe, and taking the air filter off. Now I was blazing around in a puttering, stuttering, 21mph go-kart. Those cats were finally going to be mine! As you might imagine, the kart ran like crap, but man did it sound cool! Over time, running no air filter, driving through dirt, and feeding my go-kart Mountain Dew(hey, it gave me an added boost), the throttle stuck open. This was a cheaply made go-kart that had brakes that barely stopped it when you weren’t on the throttle. I went straight into a forest. Tree after tree was battering this go-kart with me along for the ride. And by ‘along for the ride’ I mean getting whacked in the face with tree branches. Suddenly this 21mph go-kart was hitting speeds much faster. I couldn’t tell you exactly how fast it was because my only gauge in the kart was an outside temperature gauge, but I could tell you it was 74-degrees that day!

Finally a bigger tree slowed the kart’s progress enough for me to jump out. The front of the kart started to climb the tree until it’s momentum stopped. I went and shut off the motor. Now of course a happy ending to this story would involve me blowing the kart up and never looking back, but no, I continued to use that kart. It was a little tricky because the throttle was always open, you’d pull the rip cord while lifting the rear of the kart, tires would spin madly, you’d grab the front roll bar and jump in as you dropped the kart to the ground. To stop, just hit the kill switch. And I went on to a semi-successful racing career in go-karts, with the exception of going through a chain link fence at 80mph(another story for another day).

-Trent

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Before I even knew

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

This story goes back, way back. Well, back to when I was about 5 years old. It’s a memory I won’t be forgetting anytime soon. It’s also the reason they put safety buttons on automatic gearboxes in cars.

My parents stopped at a friends party one night while my older sister and I were in the car. It was a nice night, back in the day when it was ok to leave kids in the car for 5 minutes and stand up in the front seat of the family minivan with no seat belt(different story for a different day). I was throwing a fit that my parents left me there with what I assumed was child eating monster aka my sister. She was trying to keep me under control, but it was useless because I had super-child strength fueled with sugar. Instead I kicked the car out of park and into neutral. Oh, I forgot to mention a couple minor details, we were parked on a steep hill and the parking brake was not engaged. Only seconds later, I had managed to involve myself in my first 6 car accident. It’s a crunching sound unlike any other. Our car backed into the car behind us, that car hit the car behind them and so on until someone finally was smart enough  to engage their parking brake.

Everyone at the party was understandably upset, as for me, hysterical! That’s exactly what a parent needs when explaining to the police officer how this all went down…me crying my eyes out. The host of the party sat me in front of cartoons on the TV and gave me a popsicle to calm me down. It worked, until I dropped the red popsicle on their nice white carpet. Then, hysteria set in again. As I recall, I don’t think I was ever left alone in a car again. My mom even hired someone to keep me safe company on my drives to work now. Okay, I made the last part up, sort of.

-Trent

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Witness

Monday, January 18th, 2010

Here it is, my first post where I was not taking part in the actual failing, I just witnessed it. It goes a little something like this…

I was at an auto shop a few months ago and I was watching them work on one particular vehicle. It was a new vehicle that I liked and so I was intently watching. They had the car up on the lift and were fiddling with something, not quite sure, but one of the mechanics who had to have been in his fifties took a part from the car and walked over to a table to mess with it. He scurried back to the car to put the part back on. He was staring so intently at the part he just meddled with that he didn’t realize that low-hanging tires could meddle with your head…and back.

This is a situation where you shouldn’t laugh, but it’s just too difficult to withhold. His feet went over his head and he landed flat on his back. His flailing arms also knocked over a bench nearby. It was an epic fall if I’ve ever seen one. Immediately you think, “That was hilarious” then you realize this guy isn’t a young’n anymore and wonder if he’s okay. Since he was fine and more shocked than anything, I can laugh about it now, right?

-Trent

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Watch your step

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

This one should be filed under the “obvious” category, but we are talking about me here. I was at a friend’s house recently and he has some dogs that are quite nice until you open the front door. One of them goes ballistic and starts biting. For this reason, we usually exit out the garage. This situation was a little different. This time I went first and the lights weren’t turned on.

This is where you say to your self, “He’s going to run into all the ski poles on the wall”. Not so! Instead I fell off the edge of a set of stairs. I didn’t think this would be too bad of a fall, but somehow I hit everything within a 5 foot radius. I had a huge bruise that extended from my hip to the back of my knee(how did I get hit from behind?!?), a bleeding gash on my shin, and a messed up ankle. All this from falling off the edge of two stairs with nothing in front of me to hit, nothing to the left of me for miles, nothing on the floor, and the closest thing to the right of me was several feet away. I’m starting to suspect that my friend did some sort of ‘Mortal Kombat’ kick. I’m reviewing the (non-existent)security tapes now.

-Trent

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The Day I started wearing belts.

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

This story goes back several years and is brought up oh so kindly by one of my friends. I was helping move the office of the company I worked for. It was pretty normal stuff we were moving out to the parking lot, desks, file cabinets, etc. My step-brother was nice enough to come help out and provided his truck and trailer. Now I barely knew him at this point in time but I was willing to trust him based on some sort of unseen family bond. Boy was I wrong…

There’s a little info you need to know to continue on with this embarrassment. The building this is at is 5 stories tall and across the same parking lot is a building of similar size. It’s an open parking lot, so anyone looking out the window can clearly see what’s going on. Now on with the story.

As I was outside moving and carrying a large item, my step-brother sets his stuff down and walks up behind me and throws my pants down. Ha ha, whatever, everyone sees my boxers. Not so, the boxers came down with it. There I am holding something I shouldn’t drop with my junk flailing in the wind. Fortunately I was able to set the item down and pull up my pants while my step-brother and my ‘friend’ we’re rolling on the ground laughing. Ever since that day, I’ve worn a belt…always.

-Trent

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Badge Fail

Monday, January 11th, 2010

My car has some emblems on the side of it in front of the front doors. I got kind of sick of those emblems because they didn’t fit with the car in my opinion. Time to purchase some new ones. Now I didn’t do something stupid like put ‘GT-R’ badges on a Ford Probe, these badges accurately depict what car it is.  Considering these badges are glued on, I wanted to make sure I got it right. So I broke out a bubble level to make sure it was perfect.

You may know by now, that the only way to get accurate results from a bubble level is if you know how to properly use it. I thought I did. Turns out when you’re on a slight incline, level isn’t quite…level. Now, I’m rockin’ a slightly tilted badge on the side of my car.

-Trent

MGJGDAMJX9ZU

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Potential driving fail

Saturday, January 9th, 2010

Yesterday, as I was driving home from work, I got stuck behind a slow moving car. This is a major pet peeve of mine, so I go to make my move to pass and guess what they do…speed up. Now the vain is starting to show up in my forehead. I was coming up to an on-ramp going from one freeway to another. It’s a big sweeping turn that at the end gets really sharp. It can be daunting if you’re not expecting it.

Usually I can take this turn at 80-85 no problem. I could go faster if not for that sharp radius change at the end. I was on the inside lane going for the pass and I’m doing around 65mph and I can feel my car losing grip. If you know cars, at this point, you do not lift off the throttle, you keep going unless you want the rear end to swing out. At this point I passed this guy, but that was no longer a problem.

I start to drift into the other lane, fortunately there were no cars around. I kept it going and ended up in the other lane. If I’d been in the other lane, I would’ve ended up in the barrier wall or more traffic. So what made the 65mph turn a problem? Yeah, I have snow tires on right now. My bad.

-Trent

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Welcome to FailHard

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

Have you ever seen someone who has failed more than usual? Someone who tripped, but instead of just falling, they fell into a shopping cart that sped into a new Mercedes-Benz and set off the alarm which woke a sleeping baby who then made their ears hurt so they shriek loudly in the air which then draws more attention to them. Then they try to casually walk away as if nothing happened but then they knock over an old person who breaks their hip. That person…is me. I fail at many things, but I fail hard at many more things. These are the musings about my failures in life. Join me won’t you?

-Trent

MGJGDAMJX9ZU

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